Closure

Let’s chat. The word of the day is closure.

Do you believe in closure or do you believe situations should stay as is? This can be with a friend, a significant other or a family member.

Today is July 15th and I sent my first closure message. Today like just now. Like right before I started typing this. It is currently 10:15pm. I feel like such an adult lol

I never used to believe in closure because I knew that my intentions were not good. Not good meaning I was most likely doing it to be petty.

BUT today, today was different. I had been thinking about sending this closure text for a few days now but was on the fence about it. All day at work I was thinking about what I wanted to say and wanted to make sure it didn't come off too aggressive but also it needed to be straight to the point.

Lately have been doing this thing where I tell people how they made me feel. Reason one being my feelings are valid. Reason two being because I know that my feelings are important and that they should be told and reason three being people should know how they made you feel.

Normally I just get irritated and stop talking but that doesn't exactly solve the problem. I just brush it off and think “well that sucks.”

I will then either not talk to them for a while or i will brush it under the rug. But by doing this the original issue doesn't get addressed, then all the issues add up and then I'm like a bomb waiting to go off.

All of my friends and close family know that i am the furthest thing from emotional there is. I don't know how or when I became that way. It takes a lotttt for me to cry

In the last almost two years I can count on one hand how many times I cried. Two.

The first was when my grandmother died in Dec 2018. The most recent time was about a month ago. But this cry was different. I wasn't sad or stressed, I was mad. mad as hell.

I remember the incident that made me mad will not go into detail right now. I do know that i was driving home trying to keep myself together. When I couldn't do that I had to pull over. By the time I was done crying I had the worst headache, my nose was snotty and I was exhausted!

Yes I have smart mouth and can be sarcastic at times but what 20 something year old doesn't. But more times than none I am the friendliest and sweetest person. I always think about that whole treat others the way you want to be treated saying so I really try to live by that.

I used to believe that you shouldn't give people the power to alter your feelings because then they sort of control you. But thats silly. We have feelings for a reason and we have the right to express how we feel.

From now on we are telling people when we are angry, sad, irritated, afraid, disappointed or whatever else especially if they are the reason behind it all.

As always,

love you guys!

I'm back....again.

Here we are 6 almost 7 months into the year and I have not published a blog post & honestly I have no regrets. I think we all can agree that 2020 has been a rough 6 months.

I have about 4 blogs written but I’ve just been way to scared to post them. For the last 6 months A LOT has happened. Some good things and some bad things but that’s life. Just know that I did my first BIG girl thing and I’m so damn proud. I will share when the time is right. But also will the time ever be right LOL.

I am currently struggling with over sharing but the things I have experienced are “normal” and things happen. And to be completely honest I think I’m scared. Not because I’m scared of how people will react but scared of letting everyone know so much about me.

I started this blog because I felt empty. I felt broken. I felt sad. I also knew that those broken and empty feelings I had once experienced sure didn’t start with me and they definitely would not end with me. I knew that I wanted to share my feelings and also possibly help someone else.

Quarantine for me started around March 20th. Which was something that I didn’t know I needed. I was working two jobs and had become completely burned out. I had no time to do things that I enjoyed and the only time I seen my friends is when we were at work. I began to work from home which lasted for about 2 months. My other job had completely closed. Hallelujah.

At first I hated working from home but then I soon realized that all the things I had no time for I had time for now. This was me being grateful. I posted a video about how I’ve been practicing gratitude (CLICK HERE) and honestly this is what got me through quarantine. Being on “lock down” was different. The world we once knew had completely changed within a few days. Stores were closed, people went crazy over toilet paper, masks in public had become mandatory, and anyone who coughed were scared that they would get side eyed.

My time has been spent doing things I enjoy:

· Spending a lot of time outdoors (hiking, beach, going on walks)

· Laying on my couch in my undies

· Being able to talk to my friends and family more

· Giving myself pedicures while also saving a few dollars

· Trying new restaurants

· Reading

· Buying myself flowers

· Eating cuties (those little oranges)

· Watching Dave Ramsey lol

Since I’ve had this extra time I am unsure whether or not I will return to my second job. Money is nice but my happiness is worth so much more. I guess we (me and you guys) will have to see!

Why You Gotta Be So Insecureeee?

For a while I have been a little insecure about my weight and what not. In 2017 I noticed stretch marks on my “love handles”. Love handles are like where your lower back and the top of your jeans meet.

So here’s the thing. I have been an athlete pretty much my entire life. I started playing soccer at 4 and stopped when I graduated high school at 18. My freshman year of college I was able to maintain my weight due to many factors. I did A LOT of walking. To and from class, to and from parties, to and from the cafeteria. I mean I had no car at school so that was the only choice.

My weight gain didn't begin until roughly my junior year of college. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago when I looked at my medical record and noticed that I gained about 25 lbs. in just under a year. . I went from crop tops to oversized tee shirts in the matter of a few months. (PICTURES BELOW)

I used to google “ways to get rid of stretch marks” because I hated them so much. It wasn't until I found out that stretch marks are genetic so I was bound to get them at some point in life.

So playing soccer allowed me to run 8 or 9 miles 5 days a week. Once soccer was over and I got to school, going to the gym happened when I had time. It wasn't a priority to me.

It wasn't until I noticed the 10 stretch marks on my “love handles” that I knew I was getting THICK lol

I have always worn the same size jeans for as long as I could remember. Even when my weight was a lot lower. Thick thighs save lives right? All of my clothes still fit me so I hadn't noticed. It wasn't until I looked at a picture where I was like “wow where did that come from”.

I know that it is basically impossible to stay the same weight forever because ya know, life.

So now here we are. I have been in and out of the gym for just about 2 years. Saying things like “summer body loading” and each year my summer body is still loading.

I was stuck in this mindset that because I work out I can eat pizza 3 times a week. Because this is what I did in high school. But that was actually the furthest thing from the truth.

Within the last few weeks I have been more dedicated to my goals than ever before. Partially because a girl has goals and because I WILL be back in a bikini.

ALSO. I can’t preach about being fearless and I’m not even attacking my own personal goals.

Honestly I just see it this way. How can I expect others to accept me when I can't accept the pieces of myself that I don't like the most.

So if you would like to follow my journey my Instagram is: cydnyenichole_

I love you guys!