Bye 2019

Everything that i prayed for is here. I prayed for my finances to be better. I prayed for my depression to be better. I prayed for overall happiness

I cry so much now because the good news is just so continuous. Just thinking back on last year during this time how sad I was. Sad for many reasons. My grandma was sick and I was miserable in Texas.

But before 2109 comes to an end I need to brag on myself for a second. I am always to bashful and never want to share or “brag”.

I became a first generation college graduate

I lived in 2 different states

I turned 23

I went from no job to two jobs

I started a blog to not only help me but help others

I secured a big girl job. One with big girl benefits

I met some really amazing people

I had the chance to speak with one of my favorite bloggers

God’s timing is real and when it’s meant to be it will be.

I saw a post that said “I remember when i wanted what i currently have” and now here we are.

When i say I’m coming for everything in 2020 i mean that from the bottom of my heart. So much of 2018 and 2019 was spent waiting on other people to make me happy. Which is weird because I have never needed to depend on others.

Ending 2019 the happiest I’ve been in a while. See yall in 2020!

why you gotta be so insecureeee?

For a while I have been a little insecure about my weight and what not. In 2017 I noticed stretch marks on my “love handles”. Love handles are like where your lower back and the top of your jeans meet.

So here’s the thing. I have been an athlete pretty much my entire life. I started playing soccer at 4 and stopped when I graduated high school at 18. My freshman year of college I was able to maintain my weight due to many factors. I did A LOT of walking. To and from class, to and from parties, to and from the cafeteria. I mean I had no car at school so that was the only choice.

My weight gain didn't begin until roughly my junior year of college. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago when I looked at my medical record and noticed that I gained about 25 lbs. in just under a year. . I went from crop tops to oversized tee shirts in the matter of a few months. (PICTURES BELOW)

I used to google “ways to get rid of stretch marks” because I hated them so much. It wasn't until I found out that stretch marks are genetic so I was bound to get them at some point in life.

So playing soccer allowed me to run 8 or 9 miles 5 days a week. Once soccer was over and I got to school, going to the gym happened when I had time. It wasn't a priority to me.

It wasn't until I noticed the 10 stretch marks on my “love handles” that I knew I was getting THICK lol

I have always worn the same size jeans for as long as I could remember. Even when my weight was a lot lower. Thick thighs save lives right? All of my clothes still fit me so I hadn't noticed. It wasn't until I looked at a picture where I was like “wow where did that come from”.

I know that it is basically impossible to stay the same weight forever because ya know, life.

So now here we are. I have been in and out of the gym for just about 2 years. Saying things like “summer body loading” and each year my summer body is still loading.

I was stuck in this mindset that because I work out I can eat pizza 3 times a week. Because this is what I did in high school. But that was actually the furthest thing from the truth.

Within the last few weeks I have been more dedicated to my goals than ever before. Partially because a girl has goals and because I WILL be back in a bikini.

ALSO. I can’t preach about being fearless and I’m not even attacking my own personal goals.

Honestly I just see it this way. How can I expect others to accept me when I can't accept the pieces of myself that I don't like the most.

So if you would like to follow my journey my Instagram is: cydnyenichole_

I love you guys!

Untitled

I know it’s been awhile but I’m bacckkkkk! Did you miss me?

I recently graduated college and I am now preparing for a big move. Well, I'm prepared at this point, just waiting to catch my flight.

Is it crazy that I actually kind of miss school lol. I mean, school has been a part of my life for a while and now that I’m temporality done it just feels ... weird.

If you don’t know, I am a wife. More specifically I am a military wife. In a few weeks, we will be moving to Hawaii where we will be stationed for 3 years.

I'm not knocking anyone who isn't a military wife but being a military wife is HARDDDDD.

I barely get referred to by my name, I go to the doctor and they ask me for my “sponsor” information, plans are never final, things are always changing and all the other bs that the military brings.

Moving is hard.

Packing is hard.

Life is hard.

Overall being just being a wife is hard.

The movers packed our apartment but we still had to pack our personal bags, which was roughly 3 months’ worth of clothes and necessities.

TIMELINE:

Flew to Maryland: May 7- June 10

Celebrated my one year anniversary: June 10

Moved into our hotel: June 12

Movers came and packed: June 13

Cleaned the apartment: June 14

Flew back to Maryland: August 6

Checked out of hotel: August 12

Leave for Hawaii: September 10

I’ve been pretty busy as you can see.

If you’re wondering where lived at for two months. Look no further. A hotel.

This wasn't our plan but ya know, military.

Have you ever had to live in a place with one bed, one room, one TV, one desk for that long? Trust me you don't want to. You literally have no personal space. & I love my personal time. You know when your annoyed when someone breathing is bothering you. Well yea that was me.

Our original plan was to leave for Hawaii August 16th but again, military.

I'm totally off topic but let's just roll with it.

Ok back to post grad life. I always thought that I would get my bachelor’s degree and immediately pursue my master’s degree. Well that thought went out the window when all those assignment and long nights came about. I heard that post grad depression was a thing but I haven't experienced it. I also heard that it could last up to 6 months. Yikes.

I now have other plans (plans that I am not ready to share) as far as when I will return to school but in this day and age a bachelor's degree is simply not enough.

Oh but Sallie Mae is calling so I need to figure something out. Anybody wanna loan me 20K?

Ok bye.

Love you guys.

Owning my truth

Life is about being vulnerable right? Well here we go.

Like most women I have always known that I wanted to get married, have a family, be successful, you know live the American Dream. On June 10, 2018 my American Dream began. I married what some people would call my middle school sweetheart. Two days later we were on a flight to Texas to start our new life. I had this expectation that everything would be peaches and cream until reality punched me in the face, hard. Now some would call me crazy for making such a drastic move but I’m young and have a full life to live.

I was in a brand new city, alone and within two weeks of being here my brand new husband had to go back to work. I was happy to be able to pick up and go but I was bored and that boredom turned into sadness which then turned in to depression real quick!

I had no car, no job, no friends, no family other than my husband, I had switched schools again, my savings was slowly diminishing away and I was a new wife trying to figure things out. Depression hit me like a boulder. It was something that I never experienced before to this extent. For years I have always had my moments where I wouldn’t leave the house for days at a time or didn’t want to be bothered. I have always been the type to be a home body but this was different, very different. I found myself not wanting to do simple everyday tasks, not wanting to brush my teeth, not wanting to take my scarf off, moved from the bed to the couch then back to the bed. Not because I didn’t want to but because I literally could not. I cried almost every day but also trying to hide this feeling from my friends and family.

But if we’re being honest, which I am. I think I have always dealt with some sort of depression. The mildest but most noticeable form.

What most people don’t understand is that mental illness is a sickness that can’t be controlled but it is something that we can recover from. One morning I woke up basically saying “I need to do better”. I jumped out of bed and went to work out.

While thinking of everything I didn’t have I had to remind myself of all the things that I did have.

I was breathing.

I was healthy.

I had food to eat.

I had a roof over my head.

I had a family and husband that loved me.

I was so consumed in everything I didn’t have I wasn’t being appreciative of all the things I did have.

So I say all this to say, appreciate the small things in life. And although my battle is not over it is something that I work at constantly.

xoxo, fearlessly capable